You want to see what happens when religious fan fiction gets wildly out of hand? Look no further than the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, Pearl of Great Price, and—hell, while we’re at it—the Joseph Smith Translation of the Bible. This isn’t just another take on Christianity. It’s a full-blown 19th-century reboot, complete with spirit swords, angelic librarians, and golden plates no one’s allowed to see.
These aren't sacred revelations. They're a uniquely American cocktail of folklore, Christian guilt, and apocalyptic fever dreams, stirred up by a man who couldn’t keep his story straight if his life depended on it—and it often did.
Joseph Smith: The Prophet with a Shovel
Let’s not beat around the burning bush. Joseph Smith was a convicted conman before he was a prophet. Literally. His early gigs involved “money digging” with a seer stone—a polished rock he claimed could help him find buried treasure. You know, standard prophet stuff. Eventually, he stopped chasing treasure and decided to create his own. Enter: the Book of Mormon.
Smith claimed he found golden plates buried in upstate New York—because of course he did—revealed to him by an angel named Moroni (which sounds suspiciously like “moron” with a fancy hat). These plates were written in “Reformed Egyptian,” a language that has all the linguistic credibility of Klingon. He then “translated” them with the same stone he used for treasure hunting—by sticking his face in a hat.
Yes, a hat. While scribes sat beside him, Smith jammed his head into a hat like a raccoon in a trash can, mumbling out verses that would become the Book of Mormon. And his followers just... went with it.
The Book of Mormon: Christian Fanfic on Horse Tranquilizers
The Book of Mormon reads like the Bible, if the Bible were rewritten by someone who failed history class and really loved frontier melodrama. We’re talking about ancient Israelites building submarines, Jesus showing up in America post-resurrection to preach to Nephites and Lamanites (fictitious civilizations with zero archaeological support), and a raging battle between “white and delightsome” heroes and their darker-skinned, villainous counterparts.
Oh yeah—it’s racist too. The original text literally taught that dark skin was a curse from God, a divine punishment for disobedience. It wasn’t until 1981—after decades of criticism—that church leaders “softened” the language. But the rot is in the roots.
The theology itself is a stew of stolen Bible verses, King James-style knockoff prose, and absurd historical claims that have no support in any real academic field. No linguistics. No archaeology. No genetics. Just faith and a whole lot of gaslighting.
Doctrine and Covenants: Prophecy on Demand
Where the Book of Mormon gives us the mythology, Doctrine and Covenants provides the policy manual—God’s memos to Joseph Smith, conveniently showing up every time the guy needed backup. Whether it was justifying polygamy, setting up a theocratic power structure, or explaining why dissenters were suddenly in league with Satan, these “revelations” always seemed to affirm exactly what Smith wanted to do.
This isn’t divine guidance. It’s prophetic stage management.
When Smith needed money? God said build a bank (which failed). When Smith’s critics asked too many questions? God told him to silence dissenters. When Smith wanted more wives? Surprise—God wanted that too. Doctrine and Covenants is divine will turned vending machine. Insert desire, get holy endorsement.
Pearl of Great Price: The Forgotten Appendix of Insanity
Then there’s the Pearl of Great Price, the spiritual dumpster fire of the Mormon canon. It includes the Book of Moses, which rewrites Genesis in a way that makes fanfiction.net look scholarly. It includes the Book of Abraham—“translated” from some Egyptian papyri that Smith claimed told the story of Abraham being almost sacrificed in Ur.
Problem is, we have the papyri now. Egyptologists translated them using real language skills—not hat rocks—and guess what? They’re common funerary texts. Nothing to do with Abraham. Smith didn’t translate a damn thing. He fabricated it.
The Pearl also contains Joseph Smith’s personal history—basically his own gospel—and a “corrected” version of Matthew. Because apparently Jesus didn’t get it quite right the first time and needed Smith to clean it up.
The Joseph Smith Translation: When a Cult Leader Edits God
And now we come to the pièce de résistance of Smith’s ego trip—the Joseph Smith Translation of the Bible. Because apparently the actual Bible just wasn’t cutting it anymore. Joseph decided the Word of God needed a little touch-up. A rewrite. A directorial cut, if you will.
He went through the King James Bible line by line and “restored” what he claimed had been lost or corrupted over the centuries. Never mind that he didn’t know Greek, Hebrew, Aramaic, or how to translate his way out of a grocery list. What he did have was a creative streak and a congregation willing to believe that every edit he made was God’s true intent.
So he rewrote scripture. He added entire verses. Modified meanings. Removed content that contradicted his revelations. Anything that made Joseph look more prophetic or supported his evolving theology? Divine correction. Anything that challenged it? Error in the original.
That’s not translation. That’s self-insert fanfic with holy branding.
Cult Canon Dressed as Scripture
What ties these four books together isn’t spiritual enlightenment. It’s control. Smith didn’t just create scripture; he created a theological infrastructure that centralized power, enshrined his own authority, and bound followers to his vision with fear and fantasy. This wasn't about discovering truth—it was about manufacturing it.
Mormon scripture rewrites history, retools Jesus, invents new worlds, and delivers divine messages on cue like a well-trained dog. It’s fiction built on fraud, and the only thing divine about it is how well it’s insulated itself from criticism through manipulation, fear, and excommunication.
This isn’t a new gospel. It’s an American myth wrapped in religious language, kept alive through intense social conditioning and a chronic aversion to fact-checking
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Further Reading
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Fawn M. Brodie – No Man Knows My History
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Sandra & Jerald Tanner – Mormonism: Shadow or Reality?
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Grant H. Palmer – An Insider’s View of Mormon Origins
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Dan Vogel – Joseph Smith: The Making of a Prophet
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The Joseph Smith Papers – josephsmithpapers.org
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CES Letter by Jeremy Runnells – cesletter.org
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Richard Abanes – One Nation Under Gods: A History of the Mormon Church
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Simon Southerton – Losing a Lost Tribe: Native Americans, DNA, and the Mormon Church
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