Grumps VS The Bible: An Introduction

Welcome to Grumps VS The Bible, the blood-slick arena where I grab Christianity by its gilded spine, slam it on the table, and dissect it with surgical precision and a rusty sense of humor. No incense, no choir music—just the raw guts of scripture and the uncomfortable truths they’ve tried to bury under two thousand years of hymnals and fear-mongering.

Let’s set expectations right now: this isn’t some kumbaya “let’s all get along” circle. I’m not here to hold hands and “respect your beliefs.” Beliefs earn respect when they survive the blade of scrutiny, and if they can’t handle one loud-mouthed Satanist tearing through the dogma, then they were never sacred to begin with.

And before anyone trots out the tired old accusation: “You’re just mad at God!” Oh, please. That line is the intellectual equivalent of a wet paper bag. You can’t be mad at something you don’t think exists. I’m not mad at Zeus for bad weather. I don’t shake my fist at Odin when my Wi-Fi dies. “Mad at God” is what believers tell themselves so they don’t have to face the reality that someone has walked away from their storybook deity without fear or regret. If that’s all you’ve got, you’ve already lost the argument. The only thing I’m mad at is the centuries of control, oppression, and bloodshed carried out in the name of a sky ghost no one can prove is real. That rage isn’t divine—it’s human, and it’s earned.

This blog isn’t about throwing lazy insults either. I’m not just here to shout “the Bible is dumb!” and call it a day. No, we’re going deeper. Context, translation errors, historical blunders, and the theological gymnastics required to make an ancient desert rulebook fit into a modern world. It doesn’t. And the mental contortions people put themselves through to pretend it does? That’s where the real autopsy begins.

Expect venom. Expect wit. Expect enough acid sarcasm to etch scripture into glass. We’ll tackle the “loving God” who drowns the planet when He’s cranky, the laughable “free will” handed out under divine surveillance, and the absurdity of worshipping a book that can’t even agree with itself unless you’re willing to duct tape verses together and call it a miracle.

This isn’t about making atheists feel clever or Christians feel stupid. It’s about ripping the curtain back on a belief system you were told not to question and saying, “Look at it. Is this really what you want to kneel to?”

So, buckle in. Grumps VS The Bible isn’t here to comfort you. It’s here to drag every sacred cow to the slaughterhouse and show you exactly what’s inside.

Welcome to the fight.